40

It’s officially my birthday now.

I am forty years old.

I think this is the point that many people wonder what they’ve done with their lives. Midlife crisis.

I spent 2 days cleaning my house, purging, decluttering, rearranging, and making it just right.

I jokingly told my husband, “This is my midlife crisis thing. I need clean.” And we laughed. But I’m okay if this is true.

I’ve spent most my life as an ENFP. I score the highest score for being an extravert. I have strong emotions. But something changed in the past few years.

I shifted to an ENFJ. When I spoke with the counselor about why there may be a shift, she explained. “Usually if someone changes from a P to a J, it’s because they shifted from observing, constantly reading the room, persistently watching. And then once the person has watched enough and makes the choice to act, they shift to a J.”

Yes.

That.

I observed so hard that I could never make progress. I’d often bumble around one space, constantly stressing over which step to take first. Always what-iffing my way into a spiral. Drowning in the yeah buts.

This happened in stressful moments. But also there were seasons of this.

I was waiting for permission.

Waiting for approval.

Reading the room came before breathing. I hadn’t even noticed til my doctor gave concerning news and she pointed out, “You’re not breathing.”

Oh.

I had to learn how to breathe.

And I have.

I am proud of the narrative shift.

I am proud of the hard work to sit in counseling and form new neural pathways. There were some big ugly cries in the process. And I surrounded myself with people that let me cry; held space for me rather than critique or fix me.

So, I clean now. A lot. There will be less weight given to the the yeah buts. It is not useful to spiral in what ifs.

I make lists. I make progress. I may spend a ridiculously long time working on chores when I’m scared to fill out a few documents. But now the house is clean and the documents are completed. Documents weren’t even that hard to do, so I’ll remind my brain of this next time I’m tempted to avoid tasks.

And God is worthy of all glory.

For years I’ve spent living with a “You Owe me” balance in my head. But that’s silly… and downright heresy.

To think that I have given to God in such a way that God owes me. Nope. That’s not possible.

But how extravagant is His grace?! How bountiful His mercy?! Look at God’s wondrous love that made this whole universe and yet God still hears each prayer. Praise God for the rich compassion poured out on us. We didn’t earn it.

I am so grateful for God’s guidance through my whole life. It’s been beautiful and challenging.

One of THOSE days

So.

Some days bring an abundance of feelings.

I can’t sleep. I’ve been dreading tomorrow. So. Many. Feels.

I had determined to make it a big, flashy day of wonderfulness and amazingness. A day that could outshine all the other feels; but I couldn’t settle on what would be a good thing to do. Everything needed to be perfect. More perfect. Perfecter. More perfecter!!

And now, I’ve got nothing celebratory on the calendar.

Just a longing desire to bury myself in a cave of blankets and chocolate.

And I’ve noticed. All the times when I want to run from my feels. Welp… it’s usually because I’m worried they will swallow me whole. It would be my own Jonah Whale /Big Fish/Glass Case of Emotions, and I get seasick.

So I run. Scroll. Caffeinate. Scroll. Hide. Sleep. Sleep sleep

But I’ve spent many an hour across from a counselor. I know in order to heal, I need to feel.

In this urge to hunker down… I’m reverting into old patterns. Peace faker. Overcommitted. Resentful. Quiet. Overruled. Silent. Smile…. And repeat.

And then I changed.

I lost much.

Gained: perspective, self worth, hope, and value.

But now, I’ve been living in gloom mode as the day approaches….

And it’s here! Midnight officially. The day has arrived. I have survived!

It has not been a dream.

No longer do I scream in fear while no utterance escapes.

I have always had a voice. I’ve always been called to use it.

I read the room. Always read the room. Read the room, read the room. Silently I read the room. But this was the day I stopped letting my fear control me.

Pushback or not, I will show you what I’ve read. Again and again. I read the room. Patterns. Habits. Results. I saw. Patterns. Habits. Results. I spoke.

I survived.

Though anger raged, I survived.

Though I had been taught to cower, I stood tall.

And I write this as a reminder to myself.

Fear not.

Walking a new path was gut wrenching, heartbreaking with each step.

And I do not regret it.

De-escalation

I read recently that venting doesn’t help…

Not the way we think it does. We don’t get less angry.

What does help is to deescalate.

Grounding techniques, self-soothing, finish the cycle…

I’ve read many books on forgiveness, narcissism, healing, growing, PTSD, c-ptsd, etc.

And today was a day I had the urge to vent.

As the parenting experts say, “Behavior is communication.”

And so I tuned into my own behavior. Why do I feel like venting so much? What am I communicating? What’s my emotion? What’s the unmet need behind this emotion?

I want to be heard. I want to know I am valued.

And silently, I listened to my sisters. Heard each one. And didn’t explode with the urge to vent. Because I know, deep in my soul l, that I am valued.

The Almighty welcomes me to the Throne of Grace. The Creator of the Universe stoops to hear me… yet, God doesn’t even have to stoop… because God has never left me alone. God journeys each step with me.

God grieves as we grieve. Especially when the Church clearly misses the opportunity for the Kingdom of Heaven to expand in depth and width.

God weeps as we weep. Especially if a little one is led astray.

God threw tables. God understands righteous anger.

God empowers us… and not with the power of this world.

Dear friend, if you, like me, have feelings you cannot even articulate… trust me, the Spirit is interceding on our behalf. Groans and utterances are belted out before the Heavenly Father who hears and understands each sound.

We are not alone.

The Board Game

My journey toward ordination requires many steps along the way. Education, years spent in service in a local church, interviews, and a special retreat with other Ministers in Training and leaders on our district.

I had the honor of attending this retreat 10 days ago. It is a rich weekend. But like most church events and gatherings, I find a deeper wealth beyond the scheduled activities. I love to dive into meaningful conversations with sisters and brothers in Christ. I love to know how God is working in each life.

Both nights were full of rich conversation that stretched beyond a reasonable bed time. Each night began with a board game that served to break the ice.

I don’t remember Friday’s game. But I’ll never forget what we played Saturday. Bible Challenge!

Game play was similar to that of Trivial Pursuit, but each question delved deep into all reaches of the Bible. It went far beyond the standard sermons we often hear; it went far beyond user-friendly books about the Bible.

We played as married couples vs. other married couples. And we lost. For a while there, we were losing badly. Thankfully, we landed on a few questions that matched specific deep dives I’ve done. So the scoreboard wasn’t totally humiliating by the end of the game.

But this loss of a board game sparked some amazing dialogue afterwards. Within the group at large, we discussed our routines for being nourished by Scripture and prayer. After we left the group my husband and I had more discussion.

How could we know so little compared to these much younger clergy and their spouses? We considered the leadership styles we’ve seen over the years. People who spent more time on sermon illustrations than Scripture searching. People who liked prepackaged studies that encouraged little to no study at all. But we both knew and articulated that WE are ultimately responsible for how little we know of Scripture and WE need to be the ones to change that.

So, I am grateful for this defeat. Board games bring out a competitive side in myself and absolutely in my husband. And we have a newfound hunger to study scriptures. Not just to win at board games but also because we can see how lives are changed as we spend time knowing God more as revealed to us in Scripture.

I’m aiming to journal through the Bible in a Year. I’ve spent the past 10 years listening to a phenomenal podcast called the Daily Radio Bible. My brother Hunter Barnes does a fantastic job of reading Scripture out loud. I’ll admit I don’t tune in every day. It took years to get to where I now spend a majority of my days listening.

But 2024, I plan to reflect more intentionally. I’ll give myself grace for days I might miss. Knowing, all too often, I let discouragement from one small miss to lead me into a spiral of guilt that makes me miss more time. But I know I’ve grown enough that I could certainly reach 300 of the 365 days in 2024.

Where are you in your growth? Could you hit 365? Maybe you’d be successful for this season with 60 days. Maybe with 5 days.

Sisters and brothers, let us each grow from where we are. Do not be content to stay stagnant! Small growth is still growth. Each of us will grow in different ways and it’s still growth!!

Will you join me in this challenge to go through the Bible in a Year?

Discernment

Some choices are hard.

Sometimes it feels like something is so clear.

Other times, the pro/con list seems perfectly balanced.

And then I’m faced with the most frightening question of all: What do I want?

I don’t know if I know what I want.

Could God be glorified with either option? Yes.

Could there be a benefit for my family with either option? Yes.

Could there be risk with either option? Also yes.

What do I want? I don’t know…

A Long Way Off

My youngest kiddo rides the bus home. Given her age and wise protocols, she cannot be let off the bus without a family member present.

So I watch and wait for her.

I stand beside a busy road and keep watching for her bus to approach. I often wonder if I look silly. There’s a 10-15 minute window where I just stand and wait. My anxiety wells up when drivers and passengers stare as they pass. I wonder if they think I’m crazy, but my daughter is far more important to me than the options of onlookers.

Today, I saw the bus while it was a long way off. And suddenly I was fighting back gentle sobs. I’ve heard of a Father who waited by the road because He was waiting for His prodigal son to return. And while His son was still a long way off, the Father went running to meet His son!

I pictured myself as that Father today. How often did He sit by a busy street? How many onlookers shook their heads? My anxiety swirled within me, as I considered myself accidentally running to greet many, who even slightly resembled the prodigal. How wonderful it is that love for some outweighed opinions of others!

I fought back even more sobs as I realized I’ve been the prodigal. To be so selfish for gain that I walk away from the Prince of Peace.

I sobbed as I considered dear ones, currently wandering. Those who’ve told God, “You’re dead to me!” And left.

And yet, this Loving Savior waits by the roadside; day after day after day.

And dear ones… When we wander… God never stops loving us. Though we’ve been sure we want nothing to do with God, we are still welcome here at His Table.

God saw when others hurt you and blamed God. God sees how they twist words to defend their ungodly acts.

You don’t need to formulate an apology or beg. You are welcomed by the Creator of the Universe.

God runs to greet us while we are a long way off!

Prayer, Patience, and Reflection

It was Wednesday, and yet again, I hadn’t read the chapter to discuss for our book study. The short simple tasks on my list overtook more hours than I anticipated. With great effort and negotiating, I managed to get my teens to their class on time. Which left me with 90 minutes of quiet time to read one chapter; but my kindergartner didn’t want to sit quietly.

I read aloud as she climbed around. I emphasized sentences and highlighted noteworthy thoughts. I got off track mode times than I could count, because even attempting to count would be derailed by curiosity and chatter.

I chose my battles. Ignoring when possible, so I could glean wisdom from this book about prayer. And the lesson resonated well. I knew what it was to be so enraptured with the realization that the Creator of the Universe welcomed me to come and approach Him, again and again I am amazed. Even just sitting and marveling, I am calmed and emboldened.

And then the kindergartener kicked the rearview mirror and knocked it askew.

As a recovering yeller, I’m proud of my response. I clearly told her, “I don’t like when my mirror is all bent out of order. I need this mirror to drive safely. It needs to be in the correct position.”

I sat up in my seat, as though I were driving, and corrected the rear view mirror angle.

As soon as I let go, two smaller hands grabbed the mirror and pointed it the wrong way.

I reached up to correct the angle again, and explained why she needed to stop touching it.

And her little hands began to reach again!

Will I ever read the last page of this chapter?

Will she ever listen?

“I’m fixing it!” She insisted.

“No. I fixed it. You just messed up what I fixed.”

“But, I’m fixing it FOR you!”

“No, kiddo, it needs to be fixed by my eyes!”

Suddenly, I knew I needed to write this down.

—

How many times have I had this same conversation with Jesus? My own perspective held with higher esteem than that of my Creator. My own will to fix it, when God’s will was for me to trust Him to fix it from His own eyes.

Among the Trees

I live in a town that has bustling areas. Visitors flock from near and far. Locals wander about as well. Together we observe beautiful moments that mark each season.

Fall-time leaves compete for brightest and best. Glistening snow and festive lights warm our hearts in Winter’s long nights. Spring time blossoms BURSTING forth from Cherry trees, dogwoods, and their kin.

Long Summer days seem to inspire a showcase of talent, skills, and physique. Beach-goers mix with park wanderers and shoppers near friendly sports games on outdoor courts.

And there was often one lone man who didn’t fit into any of these categories; he looked to be in his early 20’s. Amidst the hustle and bustle of Summer fun, he spent his time quietly among the trees; on a tightrope.

I am no expert of specifics, but the tightrope looked like a thick dog’s leash which was ratcheted around two trees. It wasn’t high off the ground; three to four feet up at most. The line had some slack in it and while he balanced, many people would stare, while trying not to stare.

Mr. Balance seemed unphased; he was focused. He walked along his rope for hours; quietly and contentedly he honed his skills of balance and motion. (I never caught his name, just made up this nickname as I you about him.)

---

Fast forward to 15+ years of living in this lovely town. We’ve seen growth. Made friends with many who are new to the area. Had a few friends leave to live elsewhere. My own family has grown, and we love to show off our town to visitors.

Today, we had family visiting. We enjoyed more than 4 miles of walking through the bustling areas of town; chatting and drawing attention to the familiar rhythms and habits.

As we neared the end of our walk, I saw a tightrope! There it was, fastened a few feet off the ground, between two large trees. Memories of Mr. Balance came flooding back.

Could this man be…him?

I stared, while trying not to stare.

The man I saw today was not nearly as young as the one I remembered. But then neither was I. The daughter I once pushed in a stroller is now preparing for driver’s Ed.

The man I saw today, wasn’t alone. In fact, he wasn’t even on the tightrope. He stood right beside the tightrope and coached a child who had his same hair color, but her eyes matched those of the woman nearby. Another sweet kiddo with a beautiful blend of parental features cheered for her little sister.

A lovely family enjoying a picnic a tightrope walk among the trees. And I can’t help but wonder if this is Mr. Balance himself…. And Mrs. Balance, and their two beautiful daughters.

I wonder if the Balance family lives here, or if Dad brought them here to show his hometown. I wonder if he met Mrs. Balance while away, or if she was one of us who stared, while trying not to stare.

And maybe she was brave enough to try the tightrope herself. Maybe he coached her with the same patience and sweetness that he coached the young daughter.

–

Maybe I watch too many Hallmark movies, but this moment today coupled with an old memory from years ago got my mind spinning up sweet tales of boy meets girl.

And I thought maybe you’d be just as giddy as I was to imagine that Mr. Balance has grown up and has a family of his own.

*cue that cute some about tightropes from that circus movie with Wolverine!* (unless that breaks all the copyright rules…)

They Need Sunshine

I planted more 30 sunflower seeds.

Three sprouts were strong enough to be transplanted to the garden.

I’m new to gardening. Experiences like this make me wonder if I’m doing anything right.Only three survivors?

And I was gentle to myself. Three plants is better than zero plants.

Zero seeds planted is zero sunflowers.

And then a friend came over. As we caught up on life, this friend noticed my Sunflowers.”They need sunshine.”

I retorted with all the reasons why this particular privacy fence needed to be there.

“You need to move them into a place with sunshine.”

But I mapped out my garden already. I intentionally placed these plants beside companion plants that would benefit from their presence.

“But they need sunshine.”

I’m sure it will be fine. They get some sunshine… sometimes… sort of…

“When? The sun can’t reach them right now. Does it reach them in the morning?”

Well…. no. My home blocks direct sunlight in the morning.

“Do they get direct sun in the evening?”

No. My neighbor’s home blocks direct evening light.

“They need sunshine.”

Okay…. I don’t feel like moving them. It’s the first success I’ve ever had.They can get sunshine when they’re tall enough to reach over the privacy fence.

“When they’re fully grown? They need sunshine.”

I deflected conversation to another topic.I don’t like arguing. And if I’m honest, I don’t like when someone knows more than I do.

The sunflower plants continued to grow. They were spindly and sickly looking, but still taller than any I had grown before.

Eventually buds formed and stunning blooms burst forth.

Evidence that I wasn’t completely failing at this gardening business.

I took pictures of their bright beauty.

Bragged, on social media, about how three plants out of thirty is better that zero out of zero.

And after a few days, those bold and bright blooms fell over. Their spindly frames couldn’t support their own weight.

Once again my patient Heavenly Father shows me what I struggle to learn. Ignoring the need doesn’t make the need go away; it merely leaves the need unmet.

—

In fortuitous timing, my favorite book app recommended a book to me yesterday. I’ve already read this book. So it was amusing that the exact book was recommended.

I reread it (audiobook style!) while I tidied and decluttered my home. Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lisa Terkeurst. This excerpt resonated with me. “Jesus served FROM a place of fullness not FOR a feeling of fullness.”

Oh how different my early ministry days could have been!

—

I had a long and fruitful conversation with a mentor. One major takeaway: “In the body of Christ we shift from me-centered thinking to we-centered. But the we doesn’t exclude me.”

This is a hard lesson to learn sometimes.

—

And my dear Jesus scoops me in His strong loving arms.”Tauni, you don’t need to live in the shadows just because you benefit the plants around you.

“You need sunshine.

“You don’t need to wait until you’re fully grown until your basic needs are met.”

Jesus continues to remind me, “You can forgive yourself for all the times you’ve sought sunlight from anyone else but Me. I’m still here. I forgive you and want what is best for you.

“Let our Heavenly Father fill you so you can be like Me. Together, we will serve from a place of fullness and not because we’re seeking to be filled.”

Persist

It’s been a while.

I have a long rambly reason. Lost password, got locked out, etc.

But I also stopped persisting.

—

I am currently in counseling again.

I had a session this week. It was a hard one. Good; but hard.

I’ve been doing EMDR sessions. If you’re not familiar with EMDR, the counselor has the patient identify a troubling event, and identify what negative belief about oneself is tied to that event. My counselor has a list of examples. This list has been extremely helpful for me. Prior to having a written list of examples, I was struggling to articulate the negative beliefs. I just knew it felt icky.

This week, I was processing a difficult season. One that happened years ago, but I haven’t stepped back long enough to process it. My counselor handed me the laminated list of examples. “Which of these negative beliefs about yourself come to mind? Even if you know it’s not true. And there might be more than one. But which one stands out the most?”

I scanned 20-30 phrases. A few jumped out: “I am unworthy, I am unloveable….” and then one screamed at me, “I deserve to die.” ….. and yet, even that wasn’t fully accurate. Because I remember wanting to die, and being angry at God that I didn’t die. The very next line said, “I deserve to be miserable.”

That’s it. Right there. That’s what I believed about myself.

I was fully convinced that I deserved to be miserable; that death itself was too kind a fate for me.

In the counseling session, I focused on that season; noticing all the feelings and bodily sensations that arise. In the thick of it, I said, “I don’t like having needs. I don’t want needs. I hate that I have to eat. I don’t want to depend on anyone, ever. I don’t want to ask for help. I just want to take care of me all by myself!”

We paused to examine that. Considered how long I’ve resented having needs. Examined whether this was a logical way of thinking. No, it’s not logical. Everyone has needs. That’s reality. We all have needs; resenting our needs cannot make them go away.

I feel like I need to reiterate that, at least for my own sake.

Resenting our needs does not make our needs go away.

Resenting my needs will not make them disappear.

It just means I have unmet needs.

—

Counseling is hard work. Even days after the session, my brain is still processing; re-wiring.

—

And Jesus extends a gentle hand toward my downcast soul. “I have come that you may have life. Abundant life.” It’s hard to believe Jesus. I’ve lived my lifetime believing I’m supposed to be miserable. I’ve stayed in situations that I would never advise anyone else to endure.

What would abundant life even be? Is Jesus lying to me?

But as I sit here and consider what else has been offered….and the track record of how that went.

I think I’ll take the Jesus option.

Abundant life.

—

I’m not sure I have anything more useful to say today.

I just wanted to give an update on where I am. A snapshot of my life in this season of healing and growing.

How about you?

Is there a snapshot of your life you’d like to share?